Confessions of a Faulty Savior

 Fight Harder. Get Tougher. Be Better. Fix It. 

This is my default reaction. Whenever I'm hurt or feeling like my insecurities are about to show, this is what I resort to. The desire to be in control of my life is so overwhelmingly strong, it's scary. And when a person I care about is struggling, you can bet I tell myself the same thing. Fix them. Save them. Be needed.

In the past, if anyone pointed out this savior-complex of mine (and believe me, they have), I'd expertly explain it away. "Yes, I know, Jesus is the One they need. Obviously. But He's using me. So thanks for the concern, but I got this." Yeah...I got this. The mask worn here is far from the truth. There isn't an ounce of authenticity in it.

 Trying to control everything around you is a stressful job. The need to be perfect is burdensome. It breaks you. Trying to fix broken people when you're still wounded breaks you both.

"Why do you point out the speck in your brothers eye when you have a plank in your own...."

Learning when to let go of someone you deeply care for is painful. Realizing you have so much healing left to do is exhausting. There are tears and heartache that make me desperately want to get away from this. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to take to the open road with my run-down car and keep driving down Highway 101. How many times I've started running up that hill by my house not wanting stop. Because when I can't fix it, it feels like my only other option.

This is where hope finds me, and finds you. In the middle of our mess, where our pride hides, it whispers "that's not who you have to be. There's a better way. Remember the gospel. Remember the cross." Saving people doesn't give me value, in fact I can't do that at all. What gives me value is belonging to Him. The more I rely on my Savior, the more freedom is found. Miracle or miracles, I can love people well. Slowly the words I typed at the top of this page get replaced with words of joy and power. 



Rest in My Love. Have Courage. Rely on Me. Abide. Surrender.


So I won't buckle down this time. I won't run either. But Father, let me look to you and bravely stay and grow where you've placed me; trusting you are here in the mess and have a plan that will result in Your glory. 

Forgive Me.

Why do I push you away when I know you can't be gone?

Why do I fade black and white to grey when the lines are clearly drawn?

It seems I've found a way to turn Freedom into Slavery.


They say if you feel distant from God guess who moved-how painfully accurate. Reflecting on this summer,  I can't count how many times I told myself "Who cares if this isn't good for me? I want it, so it must be okay. Aren't you free in Christ?

How arrogant.

That's like a freed prisoner staying in his jail cell with the door swung open. Looking back and seeing the consequences I realize how dangerous this mindset is, and how heartbreaking it is for our Savior. Because believe it or not, His way is exceedingly greater, and He loves us enough to want that for us.

Time and time again I choose slavery. Time and time again I turn to those who could never care about me as much as He does. I choose to look for security in the same places that have already failed me.

I want to say "Enough is enough! I'm done turning away-starting now I will always choose Christ. I will always believe He fully satisfies." Problem is, I'm still human. The thought that I will never again fail my King, never again hurt people and never again sin is laughable.

But I can choose Him today. In this moment.  I may not be able to change what I've done or promise to always choose Him in the future, but that's not what my Jesus asks of me. He asks me to choose Him now, to follow Him in the present. This is what a relationship looks like.

 

 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15

Your past may be failures- but guess what? It's covered by the cross. It's covered by grace. I don't type this simply for you, but because I need to see it too. It's the hardest thing to believe and something I'll always struggle with. The idea that I'm forgiven seems so unfair, especially when I can't forgive myself. 


 Really God? But I was SO stupid.
That may be true- but you are still mine

But God, don't you know me? 
Better then anyone actually

But God...
No Buts. No conditions. My Son died for you. You are forgiven and you are free.

He waits with open arms for us to believe this. He desires us to walk out of our jail cell and accept true freedom- choosing Him today, which will hopefully lead to choosing Him tomorrow.

Jesus, I can't promise perfection, but I can promise to choose to believe You now, more then I did yesterday.

 
 






                           

Following with Two Left Feet.

It's often said of dancing that the right lead can make anyone look good. That the most inexperienced dancer can stop a room with her gracefulness, given she has the right man to guide her steps.

That is, if she agrees to follow. 

I believe it's safe to say following is an under appreciated and often lost art. Following has little to do with your movement, and more to do with anticipating the moves of your partner. Following has everything to do with your attitude. It requires a trust in your partner and a willingness to move where he leads you. 

One of the most powerful moments for me when I was learning to waltz was actually out in a parking lot, ready to leave the dance, discouraged at my lack of ability. A gentlemen, a dear friend of mine, ran out and asked to dance with me before I left. Reluctantly agreeing, I took his hand as the song began. At first nothing changed, I was stumbling all over the place. My lead stopped, and said three terrifying words:


Close your eyes. 

Before I finish the story, let me get to the point of this ramble. You see, I get in this terrible habit of trying to be the lead in this dance called Life. Without communicating with the One who is really in charge, instead I try to force moves He was never intending me to make. Right now its moves like continuing my education at PLBC, something I was so sure of. Finances have made this clear that this step isn't where He's calling me right now, and it's been a struggle to accept.

It's tough when you're called to something that doesn't seem to bring security. It makes you question if you're being lead in love. "God, are you REALLY saying that I need to wait on college-maybe not go at all? Are you REALLY saying I don't need a degree to be worth something? Are you REALLY saying I can be content in you and no one else?" Where my lead is taking me scares me more then I can explain.

Up until this point, I've let that fear win this summer. Not just in this area, in all areas. At work, in relationships, everything. I've settled for less in order to have control. Through it all, I can hear whispered the same thing that was told to me as I stumbled that night in the parking lot

Close your eyes. 

To finish my little story, once I closed my eyes, I was forced to rely on my partner alone, and danced like I had never danced before. It was when I surrendered my stubbornness and what I thought should happen that I was free to dance.  The same thing is already beginning to happen as I let go of my life and hand it over to my faithful, good King who gave it to me in the first place. So, with my eyes closed and not knowing what this will bring, heres where I'm currently being lead:

I'll be staying in Seaside doing a childrens ministry internship, working and living life with my church family at The Cove. After my time there is done, I am looking at the possibility of going straight into YWAM or the World Race, whatever God opens the door for.  I'll be getting more info on that once it gets closer and decisions have been made-right now I'm trying to hold this dream with open hands. Above all, I just want His will to be done. 

Prayer that I would continue to follow His plan instead of forcing my own would mean the world. That this twenty-something would not live in fear, but instead trust her Abba to provide for her every need. Not just in needs for the future either, but today. That He would cover my inadequacy, failings, and foolishness with grace, triumph, and wisdom as I take on this internship.

No one follows perfectly (look at the the disciples of Jesus, they certainly didn't!). Life is messy, lonely at times, and a beautiful chaos. However, learning to have grace with yourself as you try to make sense of two left feet is an exceedingly worthwhile process. The cost of following is nothing compared to the joy of the dance.

Clumsy and Learning to Balance

Life transitions have never been my cup of tea. If you've experienced me during one you'll know that's an incredible understatement. Each time I feel like I've been pushed onto a piece of string over Multnomah Falls. Sure, I'm standing on something, but I'm one step away from falling on my face - arms flailing and feet unsteady.

Processing my time at Ecola, I feel so privileged. Scratch that, I don't just feel privileged, I know I am. The adventures I went on and the love found here on this salty sea shore are more then this girl ever dared hope for.  The people, classes, and stories I had the honor of experiencing are the most precious of treasures. Above all, the grace I  found in learning to trust my Abba has brought me more joy then I'd ever experienced. God captured my heart through the community at Ecola, and radically changed my purpose. My life as I knew it ended, and one in pursuit of Christ began.

Here I am-at the end of the happiest point of my life to date. Standing on a piece of string over Multnomah Falls. I know it's where I need to be, but that doesn't make it less scary. I'm under no allusions that it will be easy. Transparency time, I'm clumsy and I fall victim to fear way too easily. Anxiety and depression are already trying to take the joy I've been given, and it's not even officially summer yet. Work is draining and my attitude wants to give into complaining. Trusting that God's is still good and knows what He's doing is now not clear, but an act of faitht. That's when this verse comes to mind.

But You, Oh Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me from His holy hill.  Psalm 3:3-4

I'm human and at no point will I have it all together. When I rely on myself, I will fall short every time. This is where the love of God is captivating to me. When I step out on that string and trust Him, He guards me. When I'm clumsy and my foot slips, He is my guardrails. When I look down and am focused on the rapids below, He is my glory and the lifter of my head. He sees me and hears me, and He does the same for you friend. He's willing to hold our hand along the way and go with us as far as we are willing to go. He awakens our souls to go further then we ever realized we could.

Right now, I'm not even sure what's on the other side of the waterfall. It's a foggy day and the end can't be seen. After this summer, I have a few different options and trying to prayerfully decide requires more faith then I have on my own. But I know who goes before me and who lives in me. He is enough.

Taking it Back

{Simplicity} 

Fall term is almost over, and I feel like I should have pages to say. But honestly, it keeps coming back to this, over and over again: I got nothing. 

Nothing I would write here would be new. There's been no "lighbulb" moments (Not that classes haven't been stretching-believe me, there's no way you can leave Bryan Hurlbutt's Systematic Theology Class without your brain hurting), no grand revelation on what I should do with my life, no newly opened doors for my dream of cross cultural missions (unless you count Portland as a far-off culture, and I can see how that would make sense). On the outside, I'm right where I was when this year started. On paper, you could look and say, "there's no progress."

Sometimes you have take a few steps back before you move forward.

God's been bringing me back to the basics lately, and I mean the extreme basics. Anyone who continues reading this is probably going to be thinking in their head, "DUH Kate. Isn't this what you've claimed to believe for a while now?" You'd be right, and that's ok. Many of these will sound cliche, and that's ok too. In this period of waiting to see what my life will look like, this is the beautiful gospel He keeps bringing me back to.

Truth #1-Love is greatest. And not just any love either, but Christ's. It's what makes Him glorious and worth serving. There is no shame because there is no longer any reason to fear failure. He paid it ALL. His grace is sufficient for ALL. The only thing asked of us is to take Christ at His word. It is a love completely dependant on whose we are, not who we are.


It is unconditional, constant, personal, unique, and just plain beautiful. To be honest, this makes it hard to trust it. How can something so undeserved, so holy, be real? 

Yet it is only when we trust this love that we have the ability to recieve it, and give it.  Just think-what would it look like if we actually relied on Christ's love to love others well? If we showed  unbelievers not religion, but authenticity. Nothing about Christianity makes sense outside of a real relationship with God anyway-it's what makes this faith true. If all we're offering them is another religion, there's no point. The whole point is that it's true; I AM Loved. Jesus DID die and rise again for me. I DO have the Holy Spirit, and the ability to approach God's throne with boldness as His child. He knows my name. These truths bring freedom, and the ability to spread this precious gospel to each person we come in contact with. At our fingertips is the ability to show grace and forgiveness daily! That brings me to the next point...

Truth #2-Grace isn't soft. It's more like a roaring lion; it won't quit pursuing us until it's work is complete. Whenever someone brought up love or grace before, I'd always secretly saw a hippie in my head. It never sunk in for me, and frankly the depth of it probably never will, as it goes immeasurably farther then my sin couldn ever reach. 

The more I see my need for grace, the more humbled I become by the power of it. As my inadequacy is made painfully clear, His persistent grace is made clearer still. 



||He said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness" 
2 Corinthians 12:9||



Truth #3-Jesus is Enough. His plan for me isn't going to disappoint. Pursuing Him isn't going to disappoint. As difficult as it might be to trust Him, the clay has no right to tell the Potter how to form it, no right to tell the Potter what He is doing isn't good. The clay doesn't know the finished product.

In this time of being molded, it's hard to stay in the present. The past creeps up to bring insecurity, the future bringing the anxiety of what is unknown. Yet in the waiting God is near, teaching the basics. Allowing me to simply get to know His heart for the lost better. The more I see, the more I realize this is all I'll ever need. This is what I was made for-this adventure of quiet trust in my Savior. He satisfies, friends. No matter where you are or what you do, He brings the freedom of His love and grace. There is such relentless hope in this.  

Let's live like it. 

  

Grace in the Fog

No one told me camp stuck with you. 

When I traded in muddy lakewater for sandy beaches a week ago, I was under the impression I'd traded my problems in too. The intense, stretching, and frankly emotional summer I'd just experienced was behind, and it was time to breathe. So when I stepped foot in Cannon Beach and felt no different, still restless, it was terrifying. Terrifying because, for the first time, I felt inadequate for 2nd year, or anything God was calling me to.

This summer I left believing I failed in many ways (which is hard to admit). I let selfishness, gossip, and frustrations give me a negative attitude more then I should've. Coming back  to CB, taking a step back for the first time; it made me see that. It convicted me, and paired with the exhaustion of moving-I was definitely in a funk.

It was like being in a fog. I could hear my friends welcoming me back, but for the first few days it was near impossible to match their enthusiasm. It got to the point where, on the second day of this, I turned to my friend April (who also had a camp summer) and asked "How long does this last?"

She looked back at me and smiled, knowing what I meant. "A few days. The funk doesn't stay forever. Promise."

It's been a week now, and with happiness I can say the fog is lifting, thanks to time in the Word, encouraging friends, and sleep. If there's one thing it taught me, it's a desperation for grace. 



"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus...let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22-23



 God calls us to do things beyond our capacity. Things that, without Him, are bound for failure, and often we do fail.  But here's the thing: God's grace uses failure. That's the heart of the gospel! How easy this is to forget. We can't let failure or fear of failure paralyze us. We have a God who is bigger then that. 

 

"'How does one become a butterfly?' She asked"
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

 
His grace wants to turn us into somehing so much more then we can be apart from Him. I trust He used me despite my failures at camp, am trusting He'll use me in spite of myself this next year, and can say with confidence He will do the same for you. That's what He desires: to use broken, dysfunctional people and turn them into vessels of His grace.

The Eye of the Storm

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12

It's been a while since I actually wrote, so long it actually feels foreign to sit here typing away at the keyboard. Things like breakfast crew, waterfront buddy checks, a tipped canoe, or the next "this is a repeat after me song" keep you on your toes more then you'd think. However, I'd definitely been experiencing Oregon coast withdrawals,  and it's good to be in my second home for a bit. A week of calm in the middle of a camp summer.


Camp.  I'm trying to find a way to describe the last couple of months and sentences just aren't coming to me. Specific words, however, are. Words like Stretching, Exhausting, Goofy, Wild, Stressful, Precious, and Contentment.

Stretching because Christ is showing me how to rely on Him these past few months in a way that I never thought possible. The necessity of loving people well has taken on a whole new authenticity. To proclaim you want to invest in people is easy; what that actually looks like is a whole different thing. I need God. I need the cross. So, so much. It's really hard to even describe.  To die to self is something pride fights with every ounce of its being, and humility is something that God has to reteach me on a daily basis. It's impossible to do alone.

Exhausting because lets face it, camp isn't a picnic. It's not necessarily even the work, but there is just something about camp ministry that wears you out. Lets be real, I've let this one get to me more then I should. I've used being tired as an excuse to complain, and to anyone reading this from camp I sincerely apologize for that. It's something I want to change when I get back on Sunday. Everyone works hard and no one gets enough sleep, and it leads to some seriously hilarious moments, but also some tough days. Prayer for energy is one that is continually given. 

Goofy because kids are histarical, and the staff truly doesn't care how they look. Mattress surfing, Bear Hunts, Dance parties, and telling campers about Roy (the squid who lives under the dock) are just a few joys. The problem comes when we go outside of camp. Screaming camp songs isn't normal in public society? Oh well. Seriously, you can't take us anywhere. 

Wild because I've gotten to do things I never thought I could. Lifeguarding was never something that I saw myself being capable of, but I honestly love spending every day on that lake. Not only that, but running Archery was seriously great. The job in and of itself is an adventure. Pair that and 200+ kids, and it's a party. 

Stressful because it's hard. Communication lacks, schedules change, drama happens. It's SO easy to become negative and point fingers at others. It's easy to want to give up. To be honest, it's gonna be difficult to go back after being in Cannon Beach this week. This is where I'm comfortable, but it's not where God is calling me.  As a selfish human who would rather just throw in the towel, I'd much rather stay. This is where reliance on Christ comes in the most. Patience and Joy are always a choice, no matter how much we don't feel like choosing them.  I need constant reminders of this (which, by the way, is why I'm ecstatic to be in Cannon Beach this week. The encouragement and reminders of the gospel experienced here are exactly what I needed to get through the rest of this summer. The fellowship recieved here is one that's hard to live without). 

Precious because seeing kids break down walls and recieve the gospel is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Camp really is a place God has set apart for Himself, and the growth that occurs in these kids lives is what makes it all worth it. It's why I'm still working there.

Contentment because that's been the biggest lesson and most difficult to live out.  No matter what the situation or how you feel, the secret to being content is loving people like Christ. Joy no matter the circumstance is found in pursuit of the cross. Whether it's relaxing in Cannon Beach or going a mile a minute at Camp, no matter where you mind yourself, God is there wanting to give peace. Wanting to equipp you to do what He has called you to. He is always and forever faithful, even when we are faithless.

This has been my summer so far. It's a crazy ride; one I feel inadequate for still, but one I'm thrilled to be on. This girl is blessed. 

I here the Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small
Child of Weakness, Watch and Pray
Find in Me Thy All in All