When I traded in muddy lakewater for sandy beaches a week ago, I was under the impression I'd traded my problems in too. The intense, stretching, and frankly emotional summer I'd just experienced was behind, and it was time to breathe. So when I stepped foot in Cannon Beach and felt no different, still restless, it was terrifying. Terrifying because, for the first time, I felt inadequate for 2nd year, or anything God was calling me to.
This summer I left believing I failed in many ways (which is hard to admit). I let selfishness, gossip, and frustrations give me a negative attitude more then I should've. Coming back to CB, taking a step back for the first time; it made me see that. It convicted me, and paired with the exhaustion of moving-I was definitely in a funk.
It was like being in a fog. I could hear my friends welcoming me back, but for the first few days it was near impossible to match their enthusiasm. It got to the point where, on the second day of this, I turned to my friend April (who also had a camp summer) and asked "How long does this last?"
She looked back at me and smiled, knowing what I meant. "A few days. The funk doesn't stay forever. Promise."
It's been a week now, and with happiness I can say the fog is lifting, thanks to time in the Word, encouraging friends, and sleep. If there's one thing it taught me, it's a desperation for grace.
"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus...let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22-23
God calls us to do things beyond our capacity. Things that, without Him, are bound for failure, and often we do fail. But here's the thing: God's grace uses failure. That's the heart of the gospel! How easy this is to forget. We can't let failure or fear of failure paralyze us. We have a God who is bigger then that.
"'How does one become a butterfly?' She asked"
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
His grace wants to turn us into somehing so much more then we can be apart from Him. I trust He used me despite my failures at camp, am trusting He'll use me in spite of myself this next year, and can say with confidence He will do the same for you. That's what He desires: to use broken, dysfunctional people and turn them into vessels of His grace.
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