Confessions of a Faulty Savior

 Fight Harder. Get Tougher. Be Better. Fix It. 

This is my default reaction. Whenever I'm hurt or feeling like my insecurities are about to show, this is what I resort to. The desire to be in control of my life is so overwhelmingly strong, it's scary. And when a person I care about is struggling, you can bet I tell myself the same thing. Fix them. Save them. Be needed.

In the past, if anyone pointed out this savior-complex of mine (and believe me, they have), I'd expertly explain it away. "Yes, I know, Jesus is the One they need. Obviously. But He's using me. So thanks for the concern, but I got this." Yeah...I got this. The mask worn here is far from the truth. There isn't an ounce of authenticity in it.

 Trying to control everything around you is a stressful job. The need to be perfect is burdensome. It breaks you. Trying to fix broken people when you're still wounded breaks you both.

"Why do you point out the speck in your brothers eye when you have a plank in your own...."

Learning when to let go of someone you deeply care for is painful. Realizing you have so much healing left to do is exhausting. There are tears and heartache that make me desperately want to get away from this. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to take to the open road with my run-down car and keep driving down Highway 101. How many times I've started running up that hill by my house not wanting stop. Because when I can't fix it, it feels like my only other option.

This is where hope finds me, and finds you. In the middle of our mess, where our pride hides, it whispers "that's not who you have to be. There's a better way. Remember the gospel. Remember the cross." Saving people doesn't give me value, in fact I can't do that at all. What gives me value is belonging to Him. The more I rely on my Savior, the more freedom is found. Miracle or miracles, I can love people well. Slowly the words I typed at the top of this page get replaced with words of joy and power. 



Rest in My Love. Have Courage. Rely on Me. Abide. Surrender.


So I won't buckle down this time. I won't run either. But Father, let me look to you and bravely stay and grow where you've placed me; trusting you are here in the mess and have a plan that will result in Your glory.