Forgive Me.

Why do I push you away when I know you can't be gone?

Why do I fade black and white to grey when the lines are clearly drawn?

It seems I've found a way to turn Freedom into Slavery.


They say if you feel distant from God guess who moved-how painfully accurate. Reflecting on this summer,  I can't count how many times I told myself "Who cares if this isn't good for me? I want it, so it must be okay. Aren't you free in Christ?

How arrogant.

That's like a freed prisoner staying in his jail cell with the door swung open. Looking back and seeing the consequences I realize how dangerous this mindset is, and how heartbreaking it is for our Savior. Because believe it or not, His way is exceedingly greater, and He loves us enough to want that for us.

Time and time again I choose slavery. Time and time again I turn to those who could never care about me as much as He does. I choose to look for security in the same places that have already failed me.

I want to say "Enough is enough! I'm done turning away-starting now I will always choose Christ. I will always believe He fully satisfies." Problem is, I'm still human. The thought that I will never again fail my King, never again hurt people and never again sin is laughable.

But I can choose Him today. In this moment.  I may not be able to change what I've done or promise to always choose Him in the future, but that's not what my Jesus asks of me. He asks me to choose Him now, to follow Him in the present. This is what a relationship looks like.

 

 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15

Your past may be failures- but guess what? It's covered by the cross. It's covered by grace. I don't type this simply for you, but because I need to see it too. It's the hardest thing to believe and something I'll always struggle with. The idea that I'm forgiven seems so unfair, especially when I can't forgive myself. 


 Really God? But I was SO stupid.
That may be true- but you are still mine

But God, don't you know me? 
Better then anyone actually

But God...
No Buts. No conditions. My Son died for you. You are forgiven and you are free.

He waits with open arms for us to believe this. He desires us to walk out of our jail cell and accept true freedom- choosing Him today, which will hopefully lead to choosing Him tomorrow.

Jesus, I can't promise perfection, but I can promise to choose to believe You now, more then I did yesterday.