I was under the impression that I was ok. I knew I was where God wanted me. I didn't get SMT, and that rocked my world, but hey, that's alright. I'll just find a job in town and I'm all good. I was ministering to the people He had placed in front of me, to the point of getting at the most 5 hours of sleep every night. Who cares about me getting sleep? I need to be there for them; they need me.
The problem with every one of those statements was the letter I. Relying on myself was slowly breaking me, to the point this week where I had nothing left. Physically sick, emotionally drained. Not to mention spiritually weak- I was too occupied to open my Bible at all this week, and I'm at Bible school. I felt like the definition of a hypocrite.
By God's grace He brought a good friend into my life that called me on it today. He mentioned how there had only been about two days this year where I didn't look completely exhausted, and I realized he was right. I'd had people mention this to me before, but I wasn't willing to hear it; I was too busy. However, God provided a time without distractions or any excuses for me to listen. This person was bluntly truthful and said exactly what I needed to hear.
Pride had gotten the best of me. Not the puffed-up, I'm-so-great kind, but the I-have-to-prove-myself-because-I'm-not-good-enough kind. I had let my insecurities win without realizing it.
You see, people don't need me. They need Jesus. And He wasn't who I was relying on. I was relying on myself, and because I knew I wasn't good enough, I wore out myself trying, comparing myself to the great women of God here at Ecola, not understanding why I felt I fell short. I tried to be everywhere at once, taking no time for myself, all in the name of caring for people. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't care, I deeply did and do. People and their stories are my greatest passion, which is what makes this lesson so hard. Because I genuinely in my heart of hearts want to be there for them, all the time. But the fact is I can't. And I was getting nowhere wearing myself out trying. But God makes all things new, and by His grace I'm strengthened.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting gaway, our inner nature is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16
God didn't call us to wear ourselves out. We are called to be empty vessels for Him, but He promises to fill us with His strength, not ours. I don't need to stay up till 2am almost every night talking-I need to commit them to Jesus, sleep, and if necessary, talk to them tomorrow. God is not limited by my sleep schedule, or even my need for alone time. I always saw taking time for yourself as a negative, and would always feel awful when I was alone. But God made us for this. He made us needing time to draw away and get to know Him. And I'm not a failure if I can't spend every second of every day helping people. That's not how He made me. He made me slightly introverted, and if I don't take that time, I not only hurt me, but others. It's an ineffective discipleship. My personality may not be one where I reach large numbers of people, but I can pour into 3 or so people deeply and invest in them. With Christ's strength, that will never wear me out. This is something I'm in the process of learning, and it' something I'm prayerfully working on. It terrifies me, thinking of being that vulnerable with people. I'd rather just put on an open-book front with everyone. But that's not what I'm called to. I'm called to be brave, free, confident, and real-dangerously so. That can't be genuine with everyone you come in contact with. You have to look at the people God has placed in your life, and let Him lead you to who He wants you to mentor.
Discipleship is not investing yourself into someone-it's investing Jesus into someone. That can look like praying for them, showing them scripture, mentoring them, etc. Ultimately, you are commiting them to Christ. And if you do that, you don't have to be there every second. You just have to be willing to pour truth into them.
It should never be me. It should always be Christ. That's who they need. Giving Him total control over EVERYTHING. Sinking into His grace. The beauty of this is what He wants for me, and it's a slow process.
"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf." Hebrews 6:19-20
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